Sunday, June 27, 2010

Broken Heart

I am currently trying to mend a broken heart.

Ok, fair enough... perhaps I should have fallen so quickly, so hard, but one thing I have learnt is that you cannot control your emotions, and who you fall for.

About 6 weeks ago I met this amazing guy. We had a magical connection, and there was sintant attraction and charm. We started dating, however it was not exclusive.

I then went to Sydney, and yes I was naughty, or good - however you wanna look at it, but I never told him, and secondly again it was made clear before I left, that we were not exclusive. It had only been a couple of weeks since we had met.

He's a gorgeous mexican.... amazing personality, and just lovely.

The whole trip I feel was in a way marred by my feelings for him, and the recipocation back from him. There was not a day that went by that he did not phone me whilst I was in Sydney, and we sent various txts all day long. I decided to have my fun whilst on holiday as if we were getting involved, it would be the last bit of random fun I would have.

The big thing was, I needed to tell him about the HIV component of the relationship, and had been dreading it. I got drunk one night in Sydney and decided to come clean and just tell him. He phoned me and said it was all ok, and we would work it out. I felt so safe, and accepted.

I get back, and went straight to his place after spending 5 minutes dropping my luggage off, with his presents. Immediately I felt there was a different viba. I don't know what could have changed during the 3 hour flight from Sydney to Auckland, but long story short he said he didn't feel it would work because he had just come out of a relationship, he was trying to immigrate to New Zealand, and various other reasons. Ultimately he was not ready for a something as he needed to focus on everything else first. I accepted this with a bit of a fight, as where I come from, you fight for what you want.

That was 3 weeks ago... I went online yesterday and found out his profiles say he is looking for a relationship etc. When I confronted him, it came out that he could not accept my HIV and now he has blocked me.

I know this sound dumb, stupid, ridiculous or whatever, but when u have feelings for someone, and you know them you, and a small obstacle like HIV smacks a wedge in due to ignorance, and denial and refusal to accept guidance... it fucking hurts.

He's not blocked me on facebook, and various other sites....

I guess I'm heart broken because... fuck.... I'm still single... I'm apparently an attractive guy, have dated models, and what not else... but here I am single.... and its been 5 fucking years!

And I mean I'm sane, I am not a psycho and what not else... Oh I just don't understand it. Anyway, I think I have shed enough tears over the last 2 days. Any advice as to what I should do next would be welcome!

Ta

A

5 comments:

  1. sorry to hear this, but your day will come. I know that doesn't help now, but your day WILL come!

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  2. Thanks mister, Wish it was easier done than said. But yeah thanks :-)

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  3. Hey mister, new to reading your blog but feel your pain. I guess HIV is still a big stigma/hurdle for people to get over. but you'll find someone who accepts you for who you are - all of you, one day. good luck stud.

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  4. this is prolly abit late but if it was real what he felt with you he would've stayed regardless...you deserved someone else.

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  5. I feel sad for you! And i`m a bit in the same situation.I live in the Netherlands and found in a chat box a guy i really liked to chat with. At that time he lived in England with his grands. His dad and mum lived in Spain. After he finnished his study in England he also went to Spain.
    After a few mounth working in a office in Spain he decided to study again. And because we knew eachother by Chat (evvery day) he decided to start a study in Amsterdam, so we could actually meet!!
    And we did! It was amazing from the first day!! We really had a great time. And fell really in love. The age differense was no problem for him he always said.
    But now after two years he met an exchanse student comming from madrid, and he fell in love with this guy. We both cried a lot. He wants to stay friends with me, but evvery time i`m with him i want to toch him, hold him, kiss him.Normally he would stay at my place or i would to his, these days when we meet he takes the train home, for he does not want to stay the night over. It hurts soooooooooo much!!!

    ...maybe by sharing my storry it will help you to get over your pain.... best off luck to you!!

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